So tired

I really hate being so tired I can't sleep, I can't think straight to get anything done and my stomach feels like it want's to turn itself inside out and empty itself of whatever is or isn't there.  I always feel like I should be doing something or there is something I'm forgetting.

How does God do it?  I'm not comparing myself to God or anything,... but how does He never sleep and is always there for us with His best plan and purpose for us. Always waiting for me to drag myself out of whatever pity party or distraction I have made for myself and come talk to Him and spend time with Him.  And he does that with every single person He created whether they chose to believe in Him or not.

Even when I am a bumbling, fumbling, forgetful, needy mess,... He loves me.  Whether I do anything good or just sit here complaining of my lack of sleep and  fuzzy holiday plans, He loves me.  And not just a 'how cute', pat my head, pitiful kind of love, but a ferocious 'I will do anything I have to do to seek you out, and tell you, and show you that I created you and I would even die for you', kind of love.

 I catch a glimpse of His love in my relationship with my children.  I love them to the moon and back and so fiercely I could hurt others to defend them, but I am powerless to make them do anything, or to protect then for that matter.  I can talk with them, guide them, pray for them and pray over them but ultimately they have a free will and they exercise it every day.  The best I can do is have a relationship with them and remind them of how much they are loved, but ultimately, really the very best I can do is point them to their real Father, who created them and has the best plans for them.  Once in a while I catch a little preview of what God has in store and how He has been working things out for good all along. And then at other times I am left wondering what is going on, how is He going to work this out for good?

The boy is loving Germany and has some leads for future ministry in Africa, with an evangelist that has deep ties to ministries in Israel too.  Africa, of all places, Africa is the one place he said he had no desire to go.  I find that hilarious, so did he when we texted today.  And Israel, can't think of a more dangerous place (well maybe LA, but I'm ahead of myself here). Tomorrow he meets with this godly old man and they will talk details.  I pray that is this is where God wants him that it will be so, if not, then that those doors would shut and redirect him.  But I'm OK with him being overseas and in danger is He is following God's leading every step of the way. How do i know he is?  By glimpses in our rare conversations, but really what gives me peace is that I pray that God has a hold of his heart and leave it in His hands.

Then there's the girl.  Of all places to live and go to school, she chose, may I add with my blessing, LA.  Right now I almost rather she be in Israel or Africa, but not really.  She has always been a magnet for strange people.  I could go on about homeless people throwing burritos at her, customers where she works getting really weird, drama, drama,... it just follows her.  OK, so she is going to school full time and working almost full time, how much trouble can she get into?  I swear trouble just seeks her out.  So here I am praying for her safety, almost not wanting to know too many details, trying to give her wise counsel, and looking up personal defense courses for her to take.  She makes me proud every day with the loving choices she makes to always give the benefit of the doubt and love people, but there's this other part of me that wants to get a conceal carry licence and go down there and be her personal bodyguard.  That would not go over well, so here I am again praying that God will grab her heart but especially her mind and help her make the right choices every day.  I see His hand guiding her, to remain calm, avoid conflict, get in her car and call the police from a safe distance.  I see His hand opening her eyes to the dangers around her and prompting her to chose justice over being overwhelmed and doing nothing.  I see His hand protecting her and using these uncertain surroundings to grow my faith.  I pray it grows her faith too.

Is that how He worries about me, about my choices, my safety, my soul?  I don't think so, but in my limited human experience I feel a connection between my fretting as a parent and God's love for me as His child.  He lets me figure things out but is always there for me to come back to.  He sees the grand big picture from beginning to end, I struggle to connect the dots see the blessings in disguise that happen every day.

So here I am tired, can't sleep, stomach still turning; but I have peace in knowing that God is in control even, and especially when I am not.  And He cares about every single detail of my life and my kids life and nothing is too big or too small to bring to Him.  He knows it all but still wants us to come talk with Him and sort things out.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

Zombies

Zombies

I think that because of Halloween, October is pretty much the only time of the year that it is socially acceptable to talk about all things death.  Halloween costumes, parties and shows all lean towards dealing with death in a humorous or gory way.  I think it's our human attempt to come to grips with something we can't escape and most people don't know much about.

As a kid, and a young (and not so young) adult I was terrified of zombies.  Why you ask?  I think it had to do with watching Night of the Living Dead in a movie theater when I was about 4.  I think I have conquered that fear by now.  Don't get me wrong I still go out of my way to avoid seeing any gory movie previews and I hate horror movies whose only purpose it to show blood and body parts and someone deriving pleasure from destroying life. But zombie stuff done in a humorous or thought provoking way, well, that's a hoot!  On that note, I just had a zombie party.  We dressed up as zombies, ate food named after body parts, had blood splatter everywhere.

Humor can help conquer some fears, but most of all, exposure to the truth can render those irrational fears powerless.  You see, I've been around dead bodies for a while, 20 plus years to be exact.  The mostly dead, and the dead dead kind of bodies.  As a trauma nurse I've seen my share or gore, and blood, and pain and it's actually not funny when it's a real person.  And the dead dead people, no matter how long I wait for them to move, they don't, they just don't come back to try to eat your brains.  Reality is a powerful teacher.  I can trust my experiences; dismemberment and gore are not actually funny and dead people stay dead.


All the Halloween and zombie fun got me to thinking,... we sure spend a lot of time trying to avoid aging, and death and dying when what we should do is just prepare for it and live life to the fullest. Have you thought of what happens after you die? Specifically what happens to your body and what happens to your true self (your mind/consciousness/soul)?

Truth is, I know I won't need my body after I die. After I'm done breathing everything will just decay, rot and breakdown. So it seems to be a huge waste to let that happen if some things are still working well and someone else can use them. Over 92,000 people in the US alone are waiting for organ transplants. Each year, approximately 6,000 people die in the US waiting for an organ transplant that would have given them a second chance at life with their families One single organ donor can save the lives of up to 8 people with organs, another 50 people can be helped with tissues and bones. Just sign up to be an organ donor and all the work is done by others when you die. It's the ultimate in lazy recycling! www.donatelifecalifornia.org.

I've been privileged enough to be part of quite a few organ donation cases, it's hard work, and it's sad and beautiful and full of meaning and hope for everyone involved.

The other truth I know without a doubt is that there is life after death. There is no fear in death for me because I know exactly where I'll be going.  I'll be spending eternity with God.  Eternity is a very, very long time, it will make this life seem like just a dream I had while taking a nap.  As awesome as this life can be, the real party starts when I wake up in heaven :)  It's just another form of recycling, I trust God with my life now and for eternity because He already did all the work I certainly could not do.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.Romans 5:8 

  I made a choice to trust God with the life He gave me, have you?

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved ... For “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:9-10, and 13 

Insomnia

Insomnia

I've been thinking about blogging for a while.  More like journaling, just to write my thoughts down. Not necessarily for anyone else to read but just to get them out of my head where it gets a bit crowded at times, you know? I'm naturally an introvert so there are always many active thoughts in my head that don't make it past my mouth.  

I like reading. Most of the time.  I love learning new things and seeing things through other people's perspectives.  I've been keeping up with a few blogs lately.  Mostly "girls" blogs, cooking, crafting, family and relationship stuff, but also the blogs of some sweet young women who are just starting their adult lives and to them everything is an adventure.  I like that.  I'm moved by their honesty and end up laughing and crying with and for them. I can see God moving in their lives, and I wonder... if I write, will other be able to see God moving in my life?  More importantly, will I be able to look back and recognize the ways God was moving in my life at that moment.

I like writing. Sometimes. I'm just not very consistent at anything. Really.  I am consistently inconsistent if that counts.  I can't follow a regular schedule to save my life.  I've tried for years, schedules just don't stick.  Oh well, moving on.

Insomnia.  This is a new one for me.  Up to the last few weeks I could sleep like a rock (where did that saying come from?  Rocks don't sleep!).  I could fall asleep anywhere and sleep for a long time.  Not exactly which one of my inconsistent habits changed all that, but here I am in the wee hours of the morning "blogging".  I can fall asleep sitting up, on the couch watching TV or a good movie. I can fall asleep in a crowded room if I sit in a comfy (or not so comfy) chair.  Or in a theater watching an action movie.  On my nights off I am done by 9:00 pm. And then my eyes pop open around 2:00 am.

I've been working many nights in a row, forcing my self to stay up all night more nights than I sleep in my own bed.  That might have something to do with it.  Also, there are no kids school schedule to follow to keep track of the days of the week, and sport seasons and school commitments.  So on any given day if you ask me what day it is, if I haven't looked at the calendar, I might just not know off the top of my head OK?   Don't give me a GCS of 14 and say I'm confused, just a bit turned around. I think 44 it's too early for hormones to disturb my sleeping patterns, so that can't be it. 

Tonight was pretty funny.  As mentioned above, I was falling asleep watching some detective drama on the couch so I went to bed by 10:00 pm and was out like a light. I woke up and hoped it was close to dawn and looked at the alarm clock and saw it was almost 5:00 am, and thought to myself Yes!  I did it! I slept more than 4 hours tonight!  I tossed and turned for a bit trying to go back to sleep but then I vaguely remember my cell phone making a sound before drifted off to sleep.  I think it was a text, so I checked it.  Yup, it was the boy.  Answering my text 8 hours later mind you. In his defense there's a nine hour difference between CA and Germany, but I digress.  The point is, I looked at my cell phone, and the digital clock on it said 0140.  What?  That doesn't make sense.  I refreshed the screen, looked at the 2 analog clocks I keep on another screen with the local time and Germany time.  It's saying  the same thing 0141 & 1041 respectively.  I am very confused now.  Then I remember...  I remember the hubby coming to bed last night and fiddling with the alarm clock because the power had gone out the day before and it was blinking very brightly.  Apparently I wrongly assumed he set the time, maybe he tried, maybe he just pressed enough buttons to make it stop blinking so loudly.  Anyway, it's 0143 now. I'm up.

I can't remember when I first heard the saying that insomnia can be a gift, a reminder to spend some time alone with God and talk to Him.  I am going with that since I talk to Him all day long in my head anyway.  I'm just going to put it in written form and unravel my train of thoughts.  He might be waking me up to have my undivided attention since I am so ADD sometimes.

"My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises" Psalm 119:148

That was actually one of the verses in the new Bible study hubby and I started today.  Can you believe it?

So that verse comes to mind as I am debating whether to get up or fight with the pillow some more. Another thing we talked about in this new Bible study group was journaling, which brings me full circle to writing my thoughts down.

So here I go. I'm going to use this insomnia as a blessing.

"Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through your fingertips" Dawson Trotman